THE TRUMP (RODENT CONTROL)
A giant rat has taken up residence in your beautiful (white) house. This vile creature has only just arrived but you fear he could be there for years if you don’t act now. If you order the Trump Max service, we can build a wall on the border of your property to make sure he never comes back.
We will MAKE YOUR HOME GREAT AGAIN!
FULL FARAGE (REMOVALS)
Do you keep imagining that millions of unwanted visitors* are heading for your house? If so the Full Farage removal service is for you. Remove yourself from the EU, remove yourself from trade partners, remove yourself from reality! The Full Farage removal will save you £350million a week in future services.**
*Important note: we will still charge you even if you have imagined this problem.
**Figures subject to change when we feel like it.
KARDASHIAN KLEAN (FUMIGATION)
Keep seeing the same vacuous little pests everywhere you turn? Is it almost as though they are revelling in the attention? Have they crawled into your computer and broken the internet on more than one occasion? You need the Kardashian.
THE ZAYN (HEAT TREATMENT)
Fed up with bed bugs that jump around from room to room and can't seem to stay loyal to a particular duvet? Order The Zayn service and we will send them in One Direction – out the door. Comes with Little Mix scorched earth upgrade to ensure this unreliable irritant remains firmly in its place.
THE JEDWARD (PEST INSPECTION)
If you thought you’d got rid of an irritating infestation some years ago, only to find to your dismay it has returned, this is the pest control option for you. If the little blighters are making inhuman noises, this is definitely a sign you need the Jedward pest inspection.
PIERS MORGAN SOFA SPECIAL (UPHOLSTERY CLEANING)
It’s happened to every proud homeowner… you buy a nice new cream sofa, but before you know it, an unsightly mark appears that you simply can’t seem to shift. Even your otherwise-polite guests seem repelled by it.
Note: In particularly bad cases, we may apply powerful “Ewan McGregor vanisher” to the problem.